Disassociation

8.26.24

Driving. Feeling so much, and also, nothing at all. Somewhat numb.

I’m heading to Brooklyn’s ultrasound appointment. Going to see my first live image of my first grandchild. Grandson. I know I’m feeling things, but I can’t seem to tap into it.

I get on Marco Polo to message my SEVEN. And then the tears come. As I’m telling them about where I’m going, I suddenly realize, I don’t remember my ultrasound with Brooklyn.

1997

Am I pregnant? Can’t be. There was blood in my underwear a few weeks ago. There is no way I’m pregnant. But… am I pregnant?

My senior year of High School. I have big plans. I’m smart. I’m a damn hard worker. I have my whole life ahead of me. I’m going to go to college and I’m going to have the time fo my life.

But wait… am I pregnant?

I tell Ryan I need to take a pregnancy test. A girl on my dance team is pregnant. I call her to find out how she found out. I’m too afraid to buy an at home pregnancy test. She tells me to go to the local hospital and they can do a blood test. The clinic is closed, so Ryan and I plan to cut class early tomorrow and get a blood test on my way to take him to the airport for a school trip.

I get my blood drawn and I’m given a phone number to call in two hours. I take Ryan to the airport. As we are waiting for his flight to board, I go to a pay phone and call the number.

“Congratulations! Your test is positive!”

I drop the receiver.

The blood drains from Ryans face. “I’m not going.”

“Yes you are. I need to not be near you.”

He boards the plane. I drive home. Numb.

I am terrified of my mom. And also, I really need my mom.

I sit on her bed and wait for her to get home from work. I’m in a complete haze. I have no idea how long I sit there. At some point, she rushes into the room and past me to the bathroom. When she walks out, her face is pale. She looks into my eyes and says “You’re pregnant.”

I start crying.

She says “What are my friends going to think of me?”

8.26.24

How do I not remember my ultrasound? Yeah, that was one of the hardest things I went through in my life, but that beautiful girl is also the best thing I experienced in my life. Did I start disassociating then? I think it must have started before then, but wow, it really worked for me then.

And now, that tiny little baby that was growing inside me, the baby I wished away, the baby I considered aborting, the baby I loved before she was born, is growing a tiny human inside of her.

It’s time to stop disassociating. I need to feel all of this.