Disassociation

8.26.24

Driving. Feeling so much, and also, nothing at all. Somewhat numb.

I’m heading to Brooklyn’s ultrasound appointment. Going to see my first live image of my first grandchild. Grandson. I know I’m feeling things, but I can’t seem to tap into it.

I get on Marco Polo to message my SEVEN. And then the tears come. As I’m telling them about where I’m going, I suddenly realize, I don’t remember my ultrasound with Brooklyn.

1997

Am I pregnant? Can’t be. There was blood in my underwear a few weeks ago. There is no way I’m pregnant. But… am I pregnant?

My senior year of High School. I have big plans. I’m smart. I’m a damn hard worker. I have my whole life ahead of me. I’m going to go to college and I’m going to have the time fo my life.

But wait… am I pregnant?

I tell Ryan I need to take a pregnancy test. A girl on my dance team is pregnant. I call her to find out how she found out. I’m too afraid to buy an at home pregnancy test. She tells me to go to the local hospital and they can do a blood test. The clinic is closed, so Ryan and I plan to cut class early tomorrow and get a blood test on my way to take him to the airport for a school trip.

I get my blood drawn and I’m given a phone number to call in two hours. I take Ryan to the airport. As we are waiting for his flight to board, I go to a pay phone and call the number.

“Congratulations! Your test is positive!”

I drop the receiver.

The blood drains from Ryans face. “I’m not going.”

“Yes you are. I need to not be near you.”

He boards the plane. I drive home. Numb.

I am terrified of my mom. And also, I really need my mom.

I sit on her bed and wait for her to get home from work. I’m in a complete haze. I have no idea how long I sit there. At some point, she rushes into the room and past me to the bathroom. When she walks out, her face is pale. She looks into my eyes and says “You’re pregnant.”

I start crying.

She says “What are my friends going to think of me?”

8.26.24

How do I not remember my ultrasound? Yeah, that was one of the hardest things I went through in my life, but that beautiful girl is also the best thing I experienced in my life. Did I start disassociating then? I think it must have started before then, but wow, it really worked for me then.

And now, that tiny little baby that was growing inside me, the baby I wished away, the baby I considered aborting, the baby I loved before she was born, is growing a tiny human inside of her.

It’s time to stop disassociating. I need to feel all of this.

Leap

Saturday was February 29th. Leap Day. This got me thinking about all of the "leaps". Leaping is scary. It is literally an attempt to defy the universal principal of gravity. To jump in the air and float, unencumbered by the forces that hold us down, hold us in our place. Many of my best leaps have been in an effort to escape the forces trying to hold me down.

My top three Game-Changing Leaps:

1. Brooklyn - Getting pregnant may not have been much of a leap. It was more of an act of irresponsibility. But deciding to be her mom was one of the scariest leaps I have ever made. I was a kid, how on earth was I going to raise a kid. And talk about forces holding me down. I can't count . how many times I heard that I was ruining my life. That I would never make it. That she would not have a good life because I was too young to provide one. That I needed to give her up to someone that could give her what she deserved. Something in my young heart knew that I could break those bonds and live a wonderful life of my own while raising her to be an incredible human all her own. That's a leap I have been proud of for 22 years. Being a mom to Brooklyn and Rylee, though I was mere babe when we started, is the best thing I have ever done.

2. Going back to school at age 37 - This was a terrifying, timid sort of jump, and in less than two months, I will graduate. The bonds of working jobs that don't fill my cup are unraveling and the freedom I feel with my education is incredible.

3. Marrying Cody - He's younger than me and has such a wild heart. I was feeling broken and unsure of who I was and what my worth was. But being Cody's wife is an adventure every day. While there are still things that scare me, he lifts me up and fills my sails with confidence when I can't seem to find my own.

A New Path

8 weeks ago I stood on the scale for the first time in several months. I knew I was heavier than I had ever been, but I felt happy with my life. I am married to my best friend, my girls are good humans, living their best life, my step-kids bring life and noise to our house, I'm about to finish my degree in Social Work and start a career I can be proud of; so the fact that I was over-weight just wasn't that big a deal to me. I told myself I would focus on my health better once school was done. But then, in January, I stepped on the scale. Yikes.  So, I called my lifelong BFF and told her "I'm ready."

Treasure has been my champion sinse we were 15. We have been through high school drama, un-planned pregnancies, marriage, divorce, raising kids, empty nest, and everything in between together Treasure's unfailing belief in me has seen me through some of my darkest times, and I know I'm not the only one she does this for. So, it makes sense that she is a health coach, and that she is the one that could help me start fresh. 

I was nervous about OptaVia for several reasons. I don't have time for webinars and health coaching and life books, and I'm the pickiest eater on earth. Plus, I love to work out (not that I was) and didn't want a restricted diet to make me too tired to do so. But, Treasure said she'd walk me through it. Told me I don't need to do any more than I am ready for. And so, with her help, I placed my first order.

My box came on a Monday night and I jumped right in the following Tuesday. I was incredibly nervous about how the food would taste, but was pleasantly surprised. Mostly, I liked it. I was also not looking forward to feeling hungry. But again, I was surprised. I actually had a hard time eating all that I was supposed to that first week. 

Week one, I dropped six pounds. Seeing that number on the scale in such a short amount of time was incredibly motivating, so I geared up for week two. Again, the number on the scale dropped, but this time, only two pounds. But the incredible thing was, I felt amazing. Sleep had been something I struggled with for years, and I realized I was sleeping well. My energy levels were higher more steady, and my skin looked amazing. So, I kept going. 

I am currently half-way through week six and I am down nine-teen pounds and I feel amazing. My clothes are too big. People are commenting on how thin my face looks and how good my butt looks. But the most incredible thing is, those are just side effects. How I feel is where the value is. 

For the last seven years, I have struggled with this weird esophagal issue that made it difficult to swallow food from time to time. When it would happen, I would feel like I was choking. I couldn't breath and the food was stuck in my throat. When it would finally start moving, it was so incredibly painful it would bring tears to my eyes. I often would leave the table and rush to the bathroom so that those eating with me didn't witness my weakness. It wasn't until week five when I read a post from my Uncle Matt, also on the program, talking about the same thing that I realized this hasn't happened to me in over a month.  I am now a believer in this program. I am only half-way through my weight loss journey, but my journey to taking care of my health will continue forever.

Thanks Treasure, for waiting for me to be ready, and allowing me to jump in at my own pace.